When Parents Text

From the book When Parents Text, by Lauren Kaelin and Sophia Fraioli

Me: Ugh, you never should have been given an iPhone

Mom: This is a wonderful way for me to keep in touch with you, do you want to be my Facebook friend?

Me: Nooo

Mom: I’ll friend you

Me: Hey dad, when are you going to be home?

Dad: Let’s meet up!

Me: Are you sending random quick texts again?

Dad: Let’s meet up!

Mom: i learned 2 txt!

(three hours later)

Mom: dickstain

Mom: milk orange juice fruit veggies creamer if it’s on sale. Soup. Forget the soup I just sneezed And it is thought I said Soup. ####, ####. I just said that f word And the s word And it types Pound sign! My phone’s a Train No it’s not a train It’s a pretty easy day No it’s not A pretty easy day I never said that. I said my phone is a prude

Mom: Can you please call me when you need to be picked up! Don’t do anything stupid! :-)8

Me: What is that emoticon?

Mom: bowtie man! He doesn’t do anything stupid

Dad:

Me: blank message?

Dad:

Me: …?

Dad: I’m a phone mime! :)

Grandma: “HEY girl. How is Prince Charmong. Lov U with all my Butt. I would say “heart” but my Butt is bigger. LOL.”

Mom: Are you at home now?

Me: Yeah. Why?

Mom: I’m on google earth and looking at your house. Wave at me through the window!

Mom: I’m on twitter now. I tweet all day!

Mom: ooo laaa laaa, JLO is making chicken parm tonight. mmmm

Me: I hope this is a joke.

Mom: twitter me! everyone is following me everywhere

Dad: I’m not sure but I think I just accidentally divorced your mom on facebook… I’ll keep you updated.

Me: (silence)

Mom: why is your father married to his sister on facebook?

Mom: ;->8

Me: Is that an evil bowtie man?!?!

Mom: Bowtie man cant be evil because being evil is stupid & he never does anything stupid.

Mom: Ken and Barbie are back together!!

Me: Did they break up?

Mom: Hellooooo in 2004, but they rekindled at toy story 3, and made it official on v-day, aren’t you facebook friend with them?!

Me: Dad, I’m sad I’m alone. Also, the bus smells like farts.

Dad: There’s a great guy right now on a fartbus thinking there’s never gonna be a nice girl who appreciates me.

Dad: I got tricker – treaters out the yang … and we got no candy.

Me: Start handing out the cans of DP in the fridge.

Dad: I.m given used golf balls. What.s dp?

Mom: Do you want waffles or muffins for breakfast? Just text “A1” for waffles or “B1” for muffins.

Me: Why did you go through all that trouble? Why can’t I just text “waffles” or “muffins”?

Mom: We are texting in code! ;););):)

Me: Waffles

Mom: A1 or B1?

Me: WAFFLES

Mom: Sooo…A1?

Me: Mom. Yes.

Mom: I think I would rather have muffins. I’m making muffins.

Mom: Your dentist died. No appt next week. I’ll find u new one. I learned how to make bread!

Dad: I need you to text me.

Me: ?

Dad: I’m bored. Sitting on the toilet waiting for the person next to me to leave so that I can release my bowels. What did you have for breakfast?

Mom: Hi Hon! Miss u. Was thinking about when you ended up with two golden retrievers in the fancy museum covered in mud after you had just gone to your math tutor who taught you nothing! also just heard the coolest owl call… whheew wuwuwwu whooo whuu whooooooo

Dad: ungardium leviosa, ladies!!

Me: Do you mean wingardium leviosa?

Dad: It’s levi OH sa, not LEVI oh sa

Dad: And by that I mean I booked the tix 4 HP land. watch out 4 expeliarmus @ college.

Mom: Would it be weird to tell the neighbor his cat has nice lips?

Me: um… yeah

Me: Do you know how long an uncooked artichoke lasts? Or how do you know if it’s good or not?

Dad: Squeeze it and if it squeaks it’s fresh. Thanks for asking these are the moments a father dreams of

Me: im just having a really bad day . . .

Mom: just remember baby, at one time you were the strongest sperm.

Dad: I’m thinking of pursuing an acting career. My goal would be to play an autopsy corpse on NCIS. I know I’d have to start out small, like 1^st I’d play a head found in a trash bag on a forensic documentary, then maybe a car crash victim in a medical training film, you know, work up to being diced by ducky. It’s good to have goals…so I got that going for me.

Me: guess what! youre talking to a college graduate!

Mom: guess what! so are you

Me: Hey dad, can you edit my term paper for me?

Dad: yeah sure, just send it to slavedaddy.com

Mom: Make sure that these are the correct medicines that u are taking!

Me: They’re antibiotics, I’m all set. Tonsillitis should start to clear up in a couple of days :)

Mom: Honey, I know u are nervous, god bless u.

Me: It’s not that serious…

Mom: Did u get tested for lupus? Please know i am concerned & i am waiting for u to call me when you are done with the tests.

Me: It’s tonsillitis.

Mom: U should fly home to be with your parents. This doesn’t mean u failed in any way. Home means u have a place of comfort, a retreat, a place where u can get better while u get tested.

(ten minutes later)

Mom: Can u go today and get results on lupus?

Donate to a Good Cause!

I have always liked the SPCA, and have gotten two current kitties and my dog from them. I would volunteer there but then I would end up with a million kitties and dogs, so that has never been an option.

However, I do save my old print cartridges for them and I have given them old books before. They have a constant wish list of items such as paper towels, trash bags, non-clumping kitty litter, etc. My intentions are to make a regular donation to them of some of these items, which I can buy when we do our own grocery shopping.

However, I also just purchased a copper leaf from them to go on a tree mural they have there in their office. I dedicated it to my last pets, Hollie, Treble and MagGuyver (ye olde Gooch Pooch) and thanked them for bringing me joy and comfort. I don't know if all that will be etched into the leaf or just their names, but it made me so happy to do. Down the road I may again donate to other critters we had when I was growing up - the dogs Hickey, Gracie, Margaret Brendal Toes, and Geneva, and the cats Seven Toes, Moxie, and Moxie's children Regis and Thumper. Maybe we'll also do one for Kevin's childhood pets, if he wants to.

Or maybe for Kevin we'll do a donation to Wolf Park. I'd love to have one of their Wolf Photography sessions for Kevin and I to attend, where you get to go out and take pictures of the wolves for a few hours. That would be awesome. Or maybe Kevin would just like to adopt a wolf for a year.

There are so many ways to honor your charity of choice! I've been thinking a lot lately about all the good causes out there and how much just a little can do. SPCA collects aluminum cans. Ronald McDonald House takes old pop tabs. Matthew 25 accepts old prescription bottles. So donating to your favorite cause could also just be a new way of getting rid of something you would have thrown away anyway! It doesn't have to be difficult.

Why am I so hyped up about it at the moment? I don't know. I just am. I've been gathering ideas lately to share with my teens on the bulletin boards at work. And I'd like to be a good influence in the world, even if it's just to one person. It doesn't have to be something on a grand scale. It doesn't have to be curing cancer. It can be cleaning up garbage from a neighbor's yard or holding a door open for someone or just giving a smile. So in this moment, I just want to spread the word and maybe nudge some people to think about something they haven't given thought to before: How can I make a difference?

Les Miserables extended look

I can't wait for this to come out!!!

Cuteness

Listen to those little cheetah squeaks and growls!

Another Vicious Pitbull

Day at the Dog Park

This is well done and super cute!

Spastic Kitty

Start Labor Day with a Smile

The giggling just makes it.

BIC pens... for Her

Okay, so I had seen a couple of these reviews on fail blogs but wasn't sure if it was made up or not. I went to Amazon's website tonight and looked for BIC pens for Her and started looking at the reviews. OMG! These are freaking hilarious!

FINALLY! August 24, 2012
By Tracy Hamilton
Someone has answered my gentle prayers and FINALLY designed a pen that I can use all month long! I use it when I'm swimming, riding a horse, walking on the beach and doing yoga. It's comfortable, leak-proof, non-slip and it makes me feel so feminine and pretty! Since I've begun using these pens, men have found me more attractive and approchable. It has given me soft skin and manageable hair and it has really given me the self-esteem I needed to start a book club and flirt with the bag-boy at my local market. My drawings of kittens and ponies have improved, and now that I'm writing my last name hyphenated with the Robert Pattinson's last name, I really believe he may some day marry me! I'm positively giddy. Those smart men in marketing have come up with a pen that my lady parts can really identify with.


Why no applicator?, September 1, 2012
By L. Frank
These are kind of thin, but perfect for light days. My only complaint is that there is no applicator which makes them slightly harder to use. I would say I'm sticking with Playtex but these colors are so vibrant that my girly glitter senses can't resist them! Also they are affordable so I can use part of my small, weekly allowance from my husband to buy them when he lets me out of the house every Monday!


Packaging is unclear., August 31, 2012
By Sara
At long last, I was overjoyed to see a pen made just for me! I actually never learned to write because regular pens just seemed too complicated and difficult to use--it seemed a better use of my time to continue spending my evenings baking dozens of cupcakes frosted in pink glitter and practicing walking and breathing at the same time. So you can imagine my joy when I found this pen, made specifically to suit the charming physical frailty and diminished mental capacity that are the hallmarks of my sex. However, the packaging is quite unclear and I can't figure out how this pen should be used. Can I grasp it in my dainty fingers, or do I actually have to hold it in my vagina?


Confused, August 31, 2012
By J. Kafchinski
As a guy I like this pen for 28 letters, but then it puts in a period and I can't touch it for a week.


Men, Do Not Use These!!, August 31, 2012
By Weebs
For some reason I got the notion that it would be OK for me, a man, to try to use one of these pens. BIG MISTAKE! About an hour after using one of these pens to write a list for the hardware store, my manhood fell off. IT FELL RIGHT OFF! Gentlemen, consider yourselves warned. I still gave it two stars though. The list I wrote is awesome.


OK, but my husband STILL steals them, August 31, 2012
By J.B.H.
These pens are OK but just like Bic's razors for her, my husband STILL steals them. I'll be more excited about Bic for Her once the product automatically drops out of the man's hands if he dares to pick it up.


So tempted... but what of society?, August 31, 2012
By R. Moses
I, a simple man of no specific writing implement, gaze upon these wonders of feminine penwomanship with nothing short of a turgid, wanton desire. Not so much a siren's call wailing from the figurative rocks of my local drug store's stationery section... more a come-hither whisper, tickling at my most intimate bits. I hear it now... "scribble scribble scribble." It mocks me, it caresses me, and - in it's way - it loves me. "But no!" I scream, so needing to resist the lure of these venomous quills, yet daring not to let the world know of my secret lust. So I scream in silence, still daring against all decency and decorum to glance helplessly at those luminous inky shafts, knowing full well I haven't the strength to resist their allure forever. I am resigned. I know now, this is who I am, and who I have always been. I am... BIC-curious.


Ermagerd, August 31, 2012
By Devon M. Wyatt "Eclectic Purchaser from Amazon"
Ermagerd. Pernz with glitterz!


ribbed-for-my-enjoyment?, August 30, 2012
By - "Seeker of Truth"
Meh. Let me know when Bic introduces the ribbed-for-her-enjoyment version. Maybe then, I might consider literacy. Call me maybe, okay.


The new Crack of Ink Pens, August 30, 2012
By smuxlow
Wow!! These pens are like crack! Once you use them, you can never go back!! I can't believe I've lived thus far without them! Even though they are more expensive then other colored ink pens, they are so worth the price. Especially since men can't use them. No more stinky p e n I s hands on my Bic!


Sexy B****, August 30, 2012
By Boobie Fallopia
Finally, a pen for me. However, I have to start off with a couple of complaints. Numero uno: the pen is too phallic. It's like hello, can you be any more sexist by making a pen that's shaped like a disco stick? BIC needs to come out with a pen that is at least shaped like a V. Numero two: I love the colors, but I don't like just "black" or "blue." I need descriptive adjectives that don't have anything to do with the actual product like "Midnight black" or "Obsidian blue." I'd also settle for "Pomegranate." Or "Mango" OMG MANGOS ARE SO GOOD. I love putting mangos in my mouth. Numero thr33: WHERE ARE ALL THE ACCESSORIES? I want to dress my pen in glitter and bedazzling stickers. Otherwise, it's not really for her. It's for LOSERS. But the pen is like super cool because even though it writes like a regular pen that everyone else has and I can't see any differences between this one and the bajillion of other pens in this male dominated market, the Her really spoke to my pink heart. It's like we finally matter and someone finally decided to take notice of our hair that we got trimmed a quarter inch off of like 2 weeks ago and how we spent 3 hours window shopping and trying on black dresses so we could all look the same when we go clubbing, and said, "Hey, women are like men, but prettier, so I'm going to make a pen for HER. Thanks, BIC. You're a sexy bitch.


just a first step, August 30, 2012
By ball pen for her
I, as a woman, heavyly reject a "Cristal for her ball pen"! Is it really a problem to create an ovary pen?


For her!?, August 29, 2012
By Kelly A. Kallaher
Tremendously unsatisfied. Bic just doesn't do it for me. Maybe it's a size issue. If you're going to make a product "for her" it should at least vibrate.


There are 537 reviews, if you want to take a gander.

Project Runway - We All Stay to Sketch Another Day

No one went home on this week's edition of Project Runway, and I was pleased by that. Gunnar was in the bottom two and we've grown fond of him. Turns out he's not as much of a diva as at first he appeared. He's nice! He gives pep talks! He has positive energy!

Alicia was also in the bottom two, but I didn't think her look was all that bad. And the judges agreed - everyone met the criteria for this week's challenge, so everyone stayed. This makes up for one of the people who left the show early on, so it puts the show back on track.

The ladies had a difficult day this episode. There was much crying to be had, much cursing, much doubt. I think Alicia was the only one to keep her game face on. 

I see on Blogging Project Runway that 60% of voters feel Dmitry should have won. As I've mentioned, Dmitry is one of my favorites and I thought this challenge would work well for him as he has made several understated, elegant designs. And I liked his dress, as I always do, but this week I thought Fabio should have won. I loved the asymmetrical hem, the dress had a nice movement to it, and as the judges said, it could be dressed up or down or made more playful or edgy, depending on where you planned to wear it. I also thought it fit in with the other dresses in the Lord and Taylor Project Runway Collection better than Dmitry's would have.

Dmitry's dress:

 

Fabio's dress:

The more I look at them, Dmitry's dress is more unique and special and just crisp as can be, but Fabio's is the perfect "little black dress." Perhaps I was simply charmed by Fabio's flower coronet.

I do find him quite adorable. The quirk factor is strong in this one.

We heard very little from Ven this week, which was all for the best. One thing I did notice was that he didn't even know Gunnar's name! How into himself Ven must be. Loathsome creature. When will they please call him out for using the same design trick every single week? Stupid origami, paper craft, freaking rose!

Overall, even with the crying, it was a somewhat mellow episode. But don't despair! Next week it's a TEAM CHALLENGE! Everybody's favorite!

One more thing - I went looking for a video clip of Dmitry doing his ballroom dance thing, because I expect he was a ballroom dance hottie, but I could find nothing. Has anyone else had any luck? For the love of God, will someone out there please upload a video of this man dancing!!!!!