Tuesday, January 1, 2008

from Cheers

Quotes from Cheers

(What superb writing!)

[to Diane in court]
Sam: To me, our relationship makes perfect sense. You want me to propose to you, I propose to you. You say no, I say fine, I never wanna see you again. You drive me nuts telling me you want me to propose again, I do, you turn me down. Next thing I know I'm in a court of law where I've got to propose to you or go to jail. It's the classic American love story.
Cliff: Is this me or is this getting a little weird?
Carla: You passed weird six months ago.
Norm: Now you're boldly going where no man has gone before.
Cliff: Boy, I guess it's true what they say, huh? There's a fine line between gardening and madness.
Frasier: I've been taking stock of myself.
Carla: Not exactly AT&T, is it?
Diane: Sam, may I have a brief word with you?
Sam: I suppose you could, but I doubt it.
Cliff: Hey Carla, I have a potato that looks like Richard Milhouse Nixon.
Carla: Big deal. Show me one that doesn't.
Sam: I've never met an intelligent woman I'd want to date.
Diane: On behalf of all the intelligent women in America, may I just say: whew.
Nick: You think it's easy being a lousy father?
Cliff: What a pathetic display. I'm ashamed God made me a man.
Carla: I don't think God's doing a lot of bragging either.
Coach: [answering the phone] Cheers. Ok, wait a minute, I'll check. Is there an "Ernie Pantusso" here?
Sam: That's YOU Coach.
Coach: Speaking.
Sam: And while you're up there floating around, remember the day I said this: you are the nuttiest, the stupidest, the phoniest fruitcake I ever met.
Diane: You, Sam Malone, are the most arrogant, self-centered son of a...
Sam: SHUT UP. Shut your fat mouth.
Diane: Make me.
Sam: Make you? My God, I'm gonna... I'm gonna... I'm gonna bounce you off every wall of this office.
Diane: Try it and you'll be walking funny tomorrow. Or should I say funnier.
Diane: [referring to her relationship with Sam] Well, what about the idea that opposites attract?
Dr. Simon Finch-Royce: AH, the song of the TRULY desperate.
Norm: I have, on several occasions, been known to perspire a bit.
Carla: We could grow rice.
Lilith: Frasier, how do expect Frederick to learn all the skills he needs if you're hanging out all day in a bar?
Norm: Afternoon, everybody.
Frederick Crane: Norm.
[everyone stops and looks at Frederick]
Lilith: [picking up Frederick] Oh, he said, "Mama."
[Norm and Cliff watch Frasier and Lilith make out their wills]
Cliff: I don't see what the fuss is over this whole will business. When I die, everything goes to ma.
Norm: That's great, Cliff, but what if she dies first?
Cliff: Shut up. Shut up, Peterson. SHUT UP, THE WHOLE SICK LOT OF YOU.
Mrs. Helen Chambers: [to Sam] ... you're almost as good looking as Diane says you think you are.
Carla: If the Brady Bunch crashes in the Andes who would they eat first?
Woody: Well probably the maid, 'cause she's not kin
Cliff: Yeah, but if they were smart they would ask her the best way to prepare herself.
[Lilith and Frasier are having a fight]
Lilith: I described you in terms which were positively glowing, which is exactly how I'd like to see you in Hell.
Rebecca: You're not letting your employees take advantage of you, are you?
Norm: Yeah, maybe a little bit. Yesterday afternoon the guys decided to just knock off early and go bowling.
Rebecca: So what did you do?
Norm: I broke 200. Personal high. It was great.
Carla: What are you all sitting around here like a bunch of wimps for?
Norm: It's what wimps do.
Cliff: Hey Doc, ah, what do you think the toughest thing to cut through is?
Frasier: Your unending bull.
Rebecca: I know you have trouble dealing with a woman in a position of authority.
Sam: Whoa, wait a minute. I resent that. I've never had trouble with a woman in ANY position.
Coach: I'm working on a novel. Going on six years now. I think I might finish it tonight.
Diane: You're writing a novel?
Coach: No, reading it.
Woody: Sam, I found an apartment... It's got everything I ever wanted... a living room and a bedroom.
Sam: Isn't this in Chinatown?
Woody: I don't think so Sam.
Sam: Well yeah I think it is. Did there seem to be a lot of Chinese restaurants around?
Woody: Yeah, I guess so.
Cliff: Were there a lot of uh signs hanging hither and yonder in Chinese there?
Woody: Yeah, come to think of it.
Norm: Lots of Chinese people walking around in the street I suppose.
Woody: Yeah, but that could just be a coincidence you know. I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll call my landlady. If anyone would know, Mrs. Chung would.
Rebecca: So did you get a chance to see Carla's babies?
Sam: We sure did. They are two of the cutest little guys you have ever seen.
Rebecca: Who do they look like Carla or Eddie.
Woody: Well they're twins. They kinda' look like each other.
Lilith: Good afternoon, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Dr. Sternin. What a lovely surprise.
Lilith: I hope I can regard that as civility in light of today's situation rather than sarcasm at my expense.
Frasier: No, that was completely at your expense.
Diane: And everyone knows that hate is not the opposite of love. Indifference is.
Sam: Well, whatever you say. I really don't care.
Sam: Have you noticed that, uh... somebody in this bar is getting a little loony?
Frasier: Sam, everyone in this bar is on a connecting flight to beyond loony.
Frasier: So, um... how do you like Cheers?
Lilith: Well. It seems adequate for its purpose, but I have a feeling that you only brought me to this place to surround yourself with people you know and I don't.
Frasier: Well, yes. But what's more, I thought that we might have a drink or two, thereby lowering our inhibitions a bit and enabling us to go back to your place and have a physical encounter of some sort.
Lilith: Well, we won't.
Frasier: I appreciate your candor.
Lilith: No, you don't.
Frasier: You're right. I feel like striking you.
Frasier: Sam, I had the most incredible evening. Last night, I dreamed about something - not Diane. Well, she was in the background chattering on about something, naked, but the important thing is, I was a therapist again.
Frasier: Boy, I never felt so low in my life.
Cliff: Well, Doc, if it means anything to you, I'm here for you.
Frasier: It doesn't, Cliff, but thanks.
Woody: Boy, Dr. Sternin-Crane having an affair with another guy. This reminds me of a terrible scandal we had back in Hanover, rocked the whole town to its core. Mayor's wife ran off with old Mr. Smithers.
Frasier: Well, that's not so scandalous, Woody.
Woody: Well, Mr. Smithers was a goat.
Lilith: Well, I'm off. I don't know what the future holds. Whatever happens, I only hope I can realize my full potential. To acquire things the old Lilith never had.
Carla: Like a body temperature?
Lilith: That's very good, Carla. Incidentally, I've taken your little wisecracks for a few years now, you hideous gargoyle, and if you ever open that gateway to hell you call a mouth in my direction again, I'll snap off your extremities like dead branches and feed them to you at gunpoint.
Rebecca: You know, I really think I can put together a great Thanksgiving dinner. This'll be the second one that I've cooked, and believe me, the first one was not the disaster that my family said it was. Those kids had a pretty good time in that ambulance.
Sam: Are you crazy? Did I hear you just turn down a date with that girl? C'mon, man, reel her in.
Frasier: Oh, Sam, you don't seem to understand. Look, I just came off a seven year marriage. It's hard to think of replacing Lilith.
Carla: Just go to the morgue and open any drawer.
Rebecca: You guys, I have my new wedding dress. And now all I need is something old, something borrowed, and something blue.
Carla: How 'bout Norm's liver?
Norm: I am almost finished with it.
Frasier: Afternoon, all.
Woody: Hey, how's it going, Dr. Crane?
Frasier: Oh, the usual. The crying, the tantrums, the bed-wetting.
Woody: Yeah, that's fatherhood.
Frasier: No, that's my therapy group. What a buncha losers.
[Frasier is looking into Lilith's purse]
Frasier: Oh, dear God.
Sam: What? What is it?
Frasier: Lilith is carrying a dead rat in her purse. Why would she be carrying a dead rat in her purse?
Carla: Just a wild guess: a snack?
Cliff: Interesting little article here. It says that, uh... the average human being only uses seventeen percent of his brain. Boy, you realize what that means? We don't use a full, uh... sixty-four percent.
Norm: Some don't use even more.
Candi: What's your name?
Frasier: Oh, uh... Dr. Frasier Crane.
Candi: I'm Candi.
Frasier: Ah, yes, so I see from your necklace. Candi with an "I".
Candi: Well, I used to spell it with a "Y" but nobody ever took me seriously, so then I switched it to an "I". You know, like Gandhi.
Frasier: Yes, yes. I understand that's why he did it.
Diane: Methinks the man does protest too much.
Woody: Excuse me, Miss Chambers, but shouldn't it be "I thinks?"
Carla: Not in your case, Woody.
[In regards to Henri, from France]
Lilith: Woody, you don't even like this man. He's been bothering you ever since he followed your girlfriend back from Paris, and now you're paying him to photograph you?
Woody: Well, he just borrows money from me anyway. This way I don't hafta worry about him paying me back.
Lilith: It's good you worked that out, Woody.
Lilith: No, you don't understand. Usually, we don't get attached to the rats, but this one was so special. We even named him. Everyone in the lab called him Whitey.
Carla: Are you sure they weren't talking to you?
Lilith: No, Carla, they were talking about Whitey the rat.
Carla: Okay, I'll ask again. Are you sure they weren't talking to you?
Lilith: Frasier, I've got to run. I'm having my photograph taken for a new ID badge at the lab.
Rebecca: Are you going to get your hair done for that?
Lilith: Why on earth should I?
Carla: Well, at least get the tension on that bun checked. I mean, if that baby goes, we're all dead.
Lilith: That hardly seems just coming from a woman whose hair has never seen a greasy pot it couldn't scrub clean.
Lilith: Now while I'm away, I need you to water the plants, pay the paperboy, and take the garbage out on Tuesday nights. I've written it all down for you.
Frasier: Lilith, you don't hafta treat me like a child.
Lilith: Of course not, Frasier. Oh, please remember: don't open the door to strangers.
Frasier: Lilith.
Lilith: Well, Frasier, there is a precedent set. We lost our stereo that day.
Frasier: Well, he looked friendly and he needed to use the phone.
Lilith: It was three o'clock in the morning, darling.
Frasier: People have flats at three in the morning.
Lilith: He was wearing a ski mask.
Esther Clavin: The last thing I want to see is my son's face on the 11 o'clock news.
Carla: There's an entire city that agrees with you.
[Red Sox star Wade Boggs enters Cheers]
Wade Boggs: Hi, I'm Wade Boggs.
Norm: Yeah, pal, and I'm Babe Ruth.
Cliff: And I'm Dizzy Dean.
Woody: I'm Woody Boyd.
Norm: What's This Old House?
Frasier: It's a show on PBS.
Norm: What's PBS?
Lilith: Tell me you didn't see that coming a mile away.
Cliff: Uh oh, looks like Woody's babes are comin' to blows.
Sam, Frasier, Cliff, Norm: CAT FIGHT. CAT FIGHT.
Kelly Gaines: You get outta my way right now or, so help me God, I'll... I'll hurt your feelings.
Emily: You do that and I'll hurt yours right back.
Frasier: KITTEN fight.
Sam, Norm, Cliff: KITTEN fight.
Cliff: Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
Woody: What's a Freudian Slip?
Cliff: That's when you say one thing when you're actually thinking about a mother.
[the gang is discussing Cliff's 'girlfriend"]
Lilith: Who is this Maggie?
Frasier: Just a woman with whom Cliff had a romantic relationship.
Lilith: Frasier, if you don't want to tell me just say so.
Carla: I'm scared. Norm, hold my hand.
[Carla grabs Norm's hand]
Norm: Woods, hold my hand.
[Norm grabs Woody's hand. He looks at his beer, and then his hands]
Norm: Um, Lilith, could you pass me a straw?
[Sam is jealous of his brother Derek]
Diane: Derek just wants to fly me out to Martha's Vineyard.
Sam: [bitter] In a plane or on his back?
Cliff: How would the Civil War had changed if Abraham Lincoln had octopus tentacles instead of a beard?
Cliff: It's a little know fact that 42% of deaths in America are caused by accidents in the home.
Carla: So were you.
[after answering the phone]
Carla: Who's not here?
Everyone: Me!
Coach: My friends call me "Coach", but my other nickname is Red.
Customer: Why? Because your hair used to be red?
Coach: No, because I read a book.
Sam: You know what Woody, you just gave me something to think about.
Woody: I'm sorry Sam, I hate it when someone does that to me.
Diane: You've been with a lot of women.
Sam: No, I have not. There have not been that many women. I just exaggerated here in the bar. There have not been that many.
Diane: How many have there been?
Sam: Oh, I don't know. Maybe four hun...
[Diane makes a startled gasp]
Sam: Honeys. Honeys. Four honeys.
[Sam is being kicked out of the Diane's apartment]
Sam: [angry] You want to know the truth? It wasn't four honeys. It was four HUNDRED women, easy.
Diane: [coolly] They'd have to be.
Sam: Damn.
Sam: You know, you've made my life a living hell.
Diane: Nobody said it would be easy.
Cliff: If I wasn't wearing this uniform, I'd ask you to step outside.
Norm: If you weren't wearing that uniform, we'd all step outside.
Frasier: Oh, joy, Christmas Eve. By this time tomorrow, millions of Americans, knee-deep in tinsel and wrapping paper will utter those heartfelt words, 'Is this all I got?'
Cliff: I have impossibly high standards for a woman.
Norm: Yeah, she has to like you.
Diane: If ignorance is bliss, this is Eden.
Sam: Carla's trying to become the kind of waitress you would enjoy being waited on by.
Diane: "Being waited on by"? You just ended that sentence with two propositions.
Sam: Haven't you got customers to be waiting on?
Diane: You ended that sentence with a proposition.
Sam: Haven't you got customers to be waiting on, MULLET-HEAD?
Carla: Where's Diane?
Sam: Oh, she's out at an interview to be a T.A. at some college.
Carla: She'll never get it. She's a big "A" with no "T"'s.
[Cliff has read that his medication can cause male breast enlargement]
Cliff: I see you all looking at my chestal area; stop it! I don't have breasts!
Rebecca: Don't let them get to you, Cliff. I took that medication and the risk of side effects is very overrated.
Cliff: Oh, yeah, Rebecca? How long ago did you take it?
Rebecca: About twenty years ago; back when I was a little boy.
[Cliff stomps out as Rebecca high-fives Carla]
Lilith: We've been examining our lives and discovered some frightening things.
Carla: You finally found Diane walled up in Frasier's crawlspace?
Lilith: [Lilith is getting very involved in her pregnancy] Life, I am a pillar of life!
[to Sam]
Lilith: Touch my breasts, friend, I am lactating!
Sam: Uh, gee, I think I'll pass.
Sam: [regarding Norm's bar tab] You know, Norm, you've been coming in here a long time. Look at the first entry, "skinny guy at the end of the bar".
Frasier: [Lilith has some bad news for Frasier] I'll simply imagine the worst thing you could possibly tell me, and whatever your news is will pale by comparison.
Lilith: This afternoon in a moment of extreme weakness, I cheated on you.
Frasier: We can put man on the moon but can't put metal in the microwave.
Cliff: Ah, there he is. Dr. Frasier Crane. The man who won the hand of Diane Chambers.
Carla: Found out he had to keep the rest of her.
Nick: Knock, knock
Kelly Gaines: Who's there?
Nick: Opportunity.
Kelly Gaines: Opportunity who?
Nick: This is gonna take some time.
Norm: [Frasier and Lilith are having an argument in Sam's office] Sammy, don't you think you should check on them? They've been in there for over an hour.
Sam: Yeah, I guess so.
[knocks on the door]
Sam: Frasier, you guys all right?
Frasier: [opening the door] A few more minutes, Sam. It's almost my turn to talk.
[Frasier has kidnapped baby Frederick from his own bris]
Sam: Frasier, you realize you have to go back.
Frasier: I know, Sam. I just don't know how I can return to a place where I have thoroughly embarrassed myself. How do you do it, Cliff?
Cliff: Oh, that's easy, Frase. You see, I... hey!
[the guys play a game of basketball, but Norm's ball won't bounce]
Sam: The ball seems a little low on air, Norm.
Norm: Yeah, it's been a while since I've been to the gym. I used to go to the one next to Cheers.
Cliff: There's no gym next to Cheers.
Norm: I know, they tore it down to build the jewelry store.
Cliff: There's no jewelry store either.
Norm: I know, they tore that down to build the bank.
Sam: Bank's been there as long as I can remember.
Norm: Well, there you go.
Frasier Crane: Hello in there, Cliff. Tell me, what color is the sky in your world?

Taken from IMDb website.

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