Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Anonymous or Unknown

Anonymous or Unknown

"I wish I had tried." (graffiti on a tunnel wall)

All the fans are wearing yellow shorts, it’s a fantastic kaleidoscope of color. (Soccer World Cup)

“If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?”

“Solar energy is not something that is going to come in overnight.” (1974)

“Sometimes in order to make progress and move ahead, you have to stand up and do the wrong thing.”

“There are different Klans - just like there’s different fraternities at a college.” (Explaining his former Ku Klux Klan membership)

"I always wonder why birds stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere on the earth. Then I ask myself the same question."

“Things are more like they are now than they have ever been.”

“Wanted: Young, skinny, wiry fellows not over 18. Must be excellent riders, willing to risk death daily. Orphans preferred. Wages are $25.00 a week.” This is a mid 1800’s help wanted sign for the Pony Express.

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.

You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her.

Count your age with friends but not with years.

Don't anthropomorphize computers -- they hate it.

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

The only weapon that becomes sharper with constant use is the tongue.

A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.

I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
Anonymous English Professor, Ohio University

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family does too.

Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.

English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is our idea of useless legislation.

Give her two red roses, each with a note. The first note says "For the woman I love" and the second, "For my best friend."

We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.

We do not remember days; we remember moments.

The world is so fast that there are days when the person who says it can't be done is interrupted by the person who is doing it.

Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases.

When science finally locates the center of the universe, some people will be surprised to learn they're not it.

Mary had a little lamb and the doctor fainted.

Why do we kill people who kill people to show that killing people is wrong.

Your ignorance cramps my conversation.

Friends are those people who know the words to the song in your heart and sing them back to you when you have forgotten the words.

How is it that we never have time to do a job right, but we always have time to do it over?

I want to die like my grandfather; peacefully in my sleep. Not screaming like his passengers.

If you know you're going to look back on today and laugh, you might as well start laughing now.

Those who hear not the music think the dancers mad.

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Is Santa so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live?

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON®, how do they make TEFLON® stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

I don't believe in reincarnation, but I did in my past life.

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors....but they all exist very nicely in the same box.

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that's what he said).

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once...or twice. I forget.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

They told me I was gullible...and I believed them.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

My weight is perfect for my height... which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like -- night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand...

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Killing turkeys causes winter.

People who ask our advice almost never take it. Yet we should never refuse to give it, upon request, for it often helps us to see our own way more clearly.

You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy five cents.

To hide the key to your heart is to risk forgetting where you placed it.
In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice Doggie!" till you can find a rock.
The most wasted day of all is that during which we have not laughed.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at.
I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.
Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.

A truly great library contains something to offend everyone.
People need loving the most when they deserve it the least.
Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised at how little you have.

Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies.

Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
Feelings are everywhere. Be gentle.
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

This customer service job would be a breeze if it weren't for all these whiny, pushy, complaining, help-me-now, customers.

The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn't exist.
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

I have said nothing because there is nothing I can say that would describe how I feel as perfectly as you deserve it.

Nobody believes the official spokesman... but everybody trusts an unidentified source.
Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition.

The philosophy exam was a piece of cake -- which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper.

We cannot hold a torch to light another's path without brightening our own.

Life is like a field of newly fallen snow.
Where I choose to walk every step will show.

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money.

Good judgment comes from experience, and experience -- well, that comes from poor judgment.

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