Comedians

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

I date this girl for two years--and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name."
Mike Binder

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Elayne Boosler

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.
Elayne Boosler

The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid.
Richard Braunstein

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
A. Whitney Brown

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
Rita Mae Brown

Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.
Carol Burnett

Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.
George Burns

Retire? I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left.
George Burns, at age 90

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
George Burns

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
George Carlin

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
George Carlin

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating… you finish off as an orgasm.
George Carlin

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, `You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, I'm just not close enough to get the job done.'
George Carlin

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
Johnny Carson

The one thing I remember about Christmas was that my father used to take me out in a boat about ten miles off shore on Christmas Day, and I used to have to swim back. Extraordinary. It was a ritual. Mind you, that wasn't the hard part. The difficult bit was getting out of the sack.
John Cleese

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Redd Foxx

America's one of the finest countries anyone ever stole.
Bobcat Goldthwait

"The path is straight, and the children of the path shall walk upon it, straightly on its straighty straightness."
Brad Garrett's character Robert from Everybody Loves Raymond, upon joining a cult called The Path

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
Jay Leno

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
Caryn Leschen (comic)

When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?
David Letterman

Charlton Heston admitted he had a drinking problem, and I said to myself, "Thank God this guy doesn't own any guns!"
David Letterman

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
David Letterman

After the grand jury session, he (Vernon Jordan) told reporters that he answered the questions truthfully and to the best of his ability. Well, come on, which is it?
David Letterman

I've been on so many blind dates I should get a free dog.
Wendy Liebman (American stand-up comedian)

I still say a church steeple with a lightning rod on top shows a lack of confidence.
Doug MacLeod (Australian comedy writer)

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you -- he really is an idiot.
Groucho Marx (1895-1977)

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.
Groucho Marx (1895-1977)

Last night I had a typical cholesterol-free dinner: baked squash, skimmed milk, and gelatin. I’m sure this will not make me live any longer, but I know it’s going to seem longer.
Comedian Groucho Marx

It reduces itself to this. You have to be in the right place at the right time, but when it comes, you better have something on the ball.
Comedian Groucho Marx

I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.
Jack Mayberry (American stand-up comedian)

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.
Lynda Montgomery (comedian)

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
Conan O'Brien

My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'
Paula Poundstone

If I found [Yoko Ono] floating in my pool, I’d punish my dog.
Joan Rivers

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
Roseanne

I figure if the children are alive when he gets home, I've done my job.
Roseanne

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
Rita Rudner

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
Rita Rudner

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
Mark Russell (American political satirist/comedian)

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'
Jerry Seinfeld

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
Jerry Seinfeld

There's little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
Jerry Seinfeld

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
Jerry Seinfeld

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
Jeff Stilson (American comedian)

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
Lily Tomlin

I think, therefore I'm single.
Lizz Winstead (comedian, co-creator of The Daily Show, former head writer)

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Steven Wright

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
Steven Wright

I was so ugly when I was born; the doctor slapped my mother.
Henny Youngman

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Henny Youngman

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Henny Youngman