Friday, November 30, 2007


Updated 9/6/15

Clothes in General:
I really appreciate the thought but would prefer that no one buy me clothes. I have a hard time finding things that fit me and I'm really picky about what I want to wear.

Gift cards to ebay

Gift cards to Footsmart


(I adore blonde jokes!)

Why did the blond quit his job as a restroom attendant?
He couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer.

How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawnmower?
The green WELCOME mat is ripped all to shreds.

How can you tell which tricycle belongs to the blonde?
It is the one with the kickstand.

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with an expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.
Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago, and I still hadn't paid for them.
Well, hellloooo,...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I told him exactly what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. Guess I won that stupid argument. I bet he felt like an idiot.

Why did the blond take his new scarf back to the store?
It was too tight.

Why did it take the blond a whole week to wash three basement windows?
It took him six days just to dig the holes to put the ladder in.

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of us is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Did you hear about the blond who gave his cat a bath?
He still hasn't gotten all the hair off his tongue.

Why did the blond only smell good on the right side?
He didn't know where to buy Left Guard!

Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.

Why did the blond scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.

Why did the blond get so excited after he finished the jigsaw puzzle in only six months?
Because on the box, it said "From 2-4 years."

A professor invented a lie detecting chair. Whenever anybody sitting in it told a lie, the chair would open up and dump the liar on the floor. During an experiment, a brunette sat in the chair and the professor asked her to tell about herself. She began, "I think you are the best teacher I've ever had." The chair immediately dumped her on the floor. After the brunette left in a snit, a blond sat in the chair. The professor asked him to tell something of his life. He began, "I think -" The next thing he knew, he was sitting in the floor.

How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.

Did you hear about the blonde who was shopping in Macy's when the power went out? She was trapped for three hours on an escalator.

Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
To keep the refrigerator cold.

What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?
Third grade.

What do you call a blond in an institution of higher learning?
A visitor.

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

Do blondes read Shakespeare?
"No, who wrote it?"

How does the blonde car pool work?
They all meet at work at 7:45.

What did the blond do when he heard that 90% of accidents occur within five miles of home?
He moved ten miles away.

Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
In case she locks the keys in her car.

What does a blonde owl say?
What, what?

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead escaped from prison. They were running along when they came upon a dock. On the dock were three gunnysacks. They could hear the cops approaching, so the brunette suggested that they get in the sacks. So they got in the sacks right before the cops arrived. A cop kicked the sack with the redhead in it, and she said, "Ruff ruff ruff!" He said, "Oh, it's only a dog." He kicked the one with the brunette in it, and she said "Meow meow meow." He said, "Oh, it's only a cat." Then, he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and she said, "POTATOES POTATOES POTATOES!"

What did the blond name his pet zebra?

Why do blondes have square breasts?
Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

Why did the blond keep an empty carton of milk in the fridge?
In case he wanted black coffee.

Why did the blond paint an X on the bottom of his boat?
So he'd be able to find the same fishing spot again.

Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
Because they can't fit eight cups of water in the little packet.

Norman and his blonde wife live in snow country, high in the northeast. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..........." then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through?"
With all the love and understanding in his voice like any man married to a blonde would use, Norman said: "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

Why don't blondes double recipes?
The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.

Why did the blond call the welfare office?
He wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

Why does it take so long to build a blond snowman?
You have to hollow out the head.

Why are blondes immune to Mad Cow Disease?
It only affects the brain.

Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
For throwing out the W's.

A boy from Duluth, Minnesota named Lars had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seem that his father, grandfather and great grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthdays to the boat club across the lake for their first legal drink. So when Lars' 21st came around, he and his pal Sven took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Lars stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned. Sven managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Lars went to see his grandmother. “Grandma," he asked, "it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?" Granny looked into Lars' eyes and said, "Because your father, grandfather and great-grandfather were born in January; you were born in July.

Two blondes walk into a building........ .. you'd think at least one of them would have seen it

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

A contestant on 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire' had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.
As she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover: Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
Is it:
A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo
D) the vulture
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline and the woma n had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative.
She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly, 'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, it would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand, the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
I need an answer, said Regis.
C: The cuckoo.
Is that your final answer? asked Regis.
Yes, that is my final answer.
Two seconds later, Regis said, 'I regret to inform you that the answer is. ...absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!'
A few days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you, said the contestant. Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way, how did you happen to know the right answer?
Oh, come on! said the blonde. Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.


(Definitely not politically correct!)

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'

Q : Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.


(So bad, they're good.)

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands of ice cream treats. Police say that he topped himself.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy".

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure. You look great ... the world's your oyster ... go for it."

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

Police arrested two kids yesterday; one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.


(I don't care if these are real or not. They're funny!)

“Patient has two teen-age children but no other abnormalities.”

“Discharge status: Alive but without permission.”

“A sterile dressing was applied and the arm was sent to the recovery room in good condition.”

“The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.”

“Pelvic and rectal were not examined.”

“Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.”

“Patient is an occasional smoker, smoking eight packs a day for the last 22 years.”

“The patient comes in because she wants to get pregnant and needs some help.”

“She stated that she had been constipated most of her life, until she got a divorce.”

“Patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past 3 days.”

“At times, his foot cramps and he must remove his shoe and rub his foot until it goes away.”

“Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus-sized.”

“She has no rigors or chills, but her husband says she was very hot in bed last night.”

“I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.”

“The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. ____ to dispose of him.”

“Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ______, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.”

“While in the ER, she was examined, x-rated, and sent home.”

“A midsystolic ejaculation murmur heard over the mitral area.”

“Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.”

“She is ambulatory with her father at discharge, who happily sucks a Popsicle.”

“Many years ago the patient had frostbite of the right shoe.”

“Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.”

“The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.”

“This is a well-developed female who is working rather hard to bleed.”

“Patient was alert and unresponsive.”

“The skin was moist and dry.”

“The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.”

“Skin: Somewhat pale but present.”

“The patient has no past history of suicides.”

“Exam of genitalia was completely negative, except for the right foot.”

“The patient is a 79-year-old widow who no longer lives with her husband.”

“She is numb from her toes down.”

“She slipped on the ice, and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.”

Monday, November 19, 2007

Critter Stuff

Updated 9/6/15

Petsmart gift cards

Fresh Step scoopable Extreme kitty litter or Long Lasting

Donations to the Allen County Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (SPCA)