Friday, November 30, 2007


(I don't care if these are real or not. They're funny!)

“Patient has two teen-age children but no other abnormalities.”

“Discharge status: Alive but without permission.”

“A sterile dressing was applied and the arm was sent to the recovery room in good condition.”

“The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.”

“Pelvic and rectal were not examined.”

“Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.”

“Patient is an occasional smoker, smoking eight packs a day for the last 22 years.”

“The patient comes in because she wants to get pregnant and needs some help.”

“She stated that she had been constipated most of her life, until she got a divorce.”

“Patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past 3 days.”

“At times, his foot cramps and he must remove his shoe and rub his foot until it goes away.”

“Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus-sized.”

“She has no rigors or chills, but her husband says she was very hot in bed last night.”

“I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.”

“The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. ____ to dispose of him.”

“Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ______, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.”

“While in the ER, she was examined, x-rated, and sent home.”

“A midsystolic ejaculation murmur heard over the mitral area.”

“Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.”

“She is ambulatory with her father at discharge, who happily sucks a Popsicle.”

“Many years ago the patient had frostbite of the right shoe.”

“Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.”

“The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.”

“This is a well-developed female who is working rather hard to bleed.”

“Patient was alert and unresponsive.”

“The skin was moist and dry.”

“The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.”

“Skin: Somewhat pale but present.”

“The patient has no past history of suicides.”

“Exam of genitalia was completely negative, except for the right foot.”

“The patient is a 79-year-old widow who no longer lives with her husband.”

“She is numb from her toes down.”

“She slipped on the ice, and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.”

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