When Parents Text

From the book When Parents Text, by Lauren Kaelin and Sophia Fraioli

Me: Ugh, you never should have been given an iPhone

Mom: This is a wonderful way for me to keep in touch with you, do you want to be my Facebook friend?

Me: Nooo

Mom: I’ll friend you

Me: Hey dad, when are you going to be home?

Dad: Let’s meet up!

Me: Are you sending random quick texts again?

Dad: Let’s meet up!

Mom: i learned 2 txt!

(three hours later)

Mom: dickstain

Mom: milk orange juice fruit veggies creamer if it’s on sale. Soup. Forget the soup I just sneezed And it is thought I said Soup. ####, ####. I just said that f word And the s word And it types Pound sign! My phone’s a Train No it’s not a train It’s a pretty easy day No it’s not A pretty easy day I never said that. I said my phone is a prude

Mom: Can you please call me when you need to be picked up! Don’t do anything stupid! :-)8

Me: What is that emoticon?

Mom: bowtie man! He doesn’t do anything stupid

Dad:

Me: blank message?

Dad:

Me: …?

Dad: I’m a phone mime! :)

Grandma: “HEY girl. How is Prince Charmong. Lov U with all my Butt. I would say “heart” but my Butt is bigger. LOL.”

Mom: Are you at home now?

Me: Yeah. Why?

Mom: I’m on google earth and looking at your house. Wave at me through the window!

Mom: I’m on twitter now. I tweet all day!

Mom: ooo laaa laaa, JLO is making chicken parm tonight. mmmm

Me: I hope this is a joke.

Mom: twitter me! everyone is following me everywhere

Dad: I’m not sure but I think I just accidentally divorced your mom on facebook… I’ll keep you updated.

Me: (silence)

Mom: why is your father married to his sister on facebook?

Mom: ;->8

Me: Is that an evil bowtie man?!?!

Mom: Bowtie man cant be evil because being evil is stupid & he never does anything stupid.

Mom: Ken and Barbie are back together!!

Me: Did they break up?

Mom: Hellooooo in 2004, but they rekindled at toy story 3, and made it official on v-day, aren’t you facebook friend with them?!

Me: Dad, I’m sad I’m alone. Also, the bus smells like farts.

Dad: There’s a great guy right now on a fartbus thinking there’s never gonna be a nice girl who appreciates me.

Dad: I got tricker – treaters out the yang … and we got no candy.

Me: Start handing out the cans of DP in the fridge.

Dad: I.m given used golf balls. What.s dp?

Mom: Do you want waffles or muffins for breakfast? Just text “A1” for waffles or “B1” for muffins.

Me: Why did you go through all that trouble? Why can’t I just text “waffles” or “muffins”?

Mom: We are texting in code! ;););):)

Me: Waffles

Mom: A1 or B1?

Me: WAFFLES

Mom: Sooo…A1?

Me: Mom. Yes.

Mom: I think I would rather have muffins. I’m making muffins.

Mom: Your dentist died. No appt next week. I’ll find u new one. I learned how to make bread!

Dad: I need you to text me.

Me: ?

Dad: I’m bored. Sitting on the toilet waiting for the person next to me to leave so that I can release my bowels. What did you have for breakfast?

Mom: Hi Hon! Miss u. Was thinking about when you ended up with two golden retrievers in the fancy museum covered in mud after you had just gone to your math tutor who taught you nothing! also just heard the coolest owl call… whheew wuwuwwu whooo whuu whooooooo

Dad: ungardium leviosa, ladies!!

Me: Do you mean wingardium leviosa?

Dad: It’s levi OH sa, not LEVI oh sa

Dad: And by that I mean I booked the tix 4 HP land. watch out 4 expeliarmus @ college.

Mom: Would it be weird to tell the neighbor his cat has nice lips?

Me: um… yeah

Me: Do you know how long an uncooked artichoke lasts? Or how do you know if it’s good or not?

Dad: Squeeze it and if it squeaks it’s fresh. Thanks for asking these are the moments a father dreams of

Me: im just having a really bad day . . .

Mom: just remember baby, at one time you were the strongest sperm.

Dad: I’m thinking of pursuing an acting career. My goal would be to play an autopsy corpse on NCIS. I know I’d have to start out small, like 1^st I’d play a head found in a trash bag on a forensic documentary, then maybe a car crash victim in a medical training film, you know, work up to being diced by ducky. It’s good to have goals…so I got that going for me.

Me: guess what! youre talking to a college graduate!

Mom: guess what! so are you

Me: Hey dad, can you edit my term paper for me?

Dad: yeah sure, just send it to slavedaddy.com

Mom: Make sure that these are the correct medicines that u are taking!

Me: They’re antibiotics, I’m all set. Tonsillitis should start to clear up in a couple of days :)

Mom: Honey, I know u are nervous, god bless u.

Me: It’s not that serious…

Mom: Did u get tested for lupus? Please know i am concerned & i am waiting for u to call me when you are done with the tests.

Me: It’s tonsillitis.

Mom: U should fly home to be with your parents. This doesn’t mean u failed in any way. Home means u have a place of comfort, a retreat, a place where u can get better while u get tested.

(ten minutes later)

Mom: Can u go today and get results on lupus?