Monday, January 21, 2008

What not to put on your application

What not to put on your application:

Have you ever been convicted of or pleaded guilty to a felony or misdemeanor, other than a minor traffic violation?

1. “Urinating in public because I didn't want to use a toilet nearby full of large, aggressive sissy boys.”

2. “It was my first and only offense. …Minor entering a Tavoron.” (Oh, no, a – a what?)

3. “Wrong place at the wong time, and I’m human I’m not perfect, and I am a much more better man.”

4. “Mistor minor offence.”

Volunteer experience?

“Death and dismemberment clean-up.”

Signature to a cover letter:

take care.
jane doe

What not to do when you turn in your application:

1. Tell the secretary how badly you need a job. Be sure to include bits of personal information about diseases you have had and reassure her that you are not contagious.

2. Tell the secretary how badly you need a job. Be sure to emphasize how difficult it is to get a job when you are old/young/black/white/foreign/not foreign/male/female/etc.

3. Tell the secretary how badly you need a job and then tell her that you are pregnant. When she says she doesn’t need to know about that sort of thing, ask her if she can at least pray for your baby. Then when she goes to lunch, stop her in the middle of a busy four-lane street and ask her how long it will be before you hear anything.

4. Deign to remove the earpiece from your ear while your music blasts at full volume and then grunt to find out where the applications are.

5. Breathe like Darth Vader and occasionally yell out things like, “I told you ghosts not to steal my Kleenex!”

6. Remind the secretary several times that you live a block away. (Like I care.)

7. Ask the secretary where she lives.

8. Ask the secretary to fill out the application for you.

9. Mutter things like, “I know I’m not going to get this job. I’ll just turn this in anyway. I don’t know why I bother.”

10. Be vague. Don’t phrase questions in complete sentences. Say things like, “Applications,” or “Apply?” Act irritated when no one understands you.

What not to do when the Human Resources office is closed:

1. Stop outside the door and read the sign that says the office is closed, then come in anyway and announce that you know the office is closed but you just wanted to turn in an application.

2. Or take the skills test.

3. Or check on your application.

4. Or get an interview.

5. Surprise the staff by sitting in the office on a day the office is closed and the lights are turned off. Complete your application in the dark anyway.

6. Or turn on the lights and make yourself comfortable.

7. Read the sign that says the office is closed. Come in anyway and wander down the hall calling, “Hello? Hello?” When someone comes to find out what’s happening, tell them the sign says the office is closed.

What not to do when you’re frustrated because you haven’t been contacted for an interview:

1. Make an irate phone call to the secretary during which you ask, “What does a person have to do to get a job there, have pictures of someone having sex with animals?”

2. Imply that you are a Very Important Person who is chummy with other Very Important People. Lean in and say something like, “I know the Director.”

3. Or the mayor.

4. Or a board member.

What not to do when called for an interview:

Say, “I’ve never done that kind of work before but I’m sure I can learn.” Then giggle.

Say, “My wife reminded me I have something to do at that time. Can I reschedule? My wife reminded me I have something to do.”

Say, “Ummm… hmm… (pause) I guess I could set up an interview for that.”

What not to do for an interview:

Call that morning and say you can’t make it and need to reschedule, then show up at the time your original appointment was scheduled without any explanation. Say there is no place to park and you don’t have any change for a parking meter. Borrow a quarter from the hiring manager so you can park your car.

Come in for a security officer interview wearing a hot pink t-shirt, tan mini skirt, hot pink flip-flops with feathers on them and your hair in a ponytail on the side of your head.

Get to your interview early and once the interview has started tell them you need to use the restroom. Then wander around the building, get a drink, use the restroom and do some more wandering before going back in for your interview.

Entertain the secretary by telling her stories about how you create computer viruses in your spare time.

Tell the interviewers that you’ve had a lot more jobs than you put on your application because you got fired from them.

Arrive an hour early because you forgot/didn’t know about the daylight savings time change that occurred two weeks ago.

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